Kon's Korner: Ten Tips to a Better Life
by EvilFuzzy9
Summary: Kon's very own help column in the fictional newspaper, 'Karakura Sun'. And his coworkers can't help but interfere! This chapter: How to Find True Love. Crack!fic. Rated T for Kon's Kon-ness, as well as some mature language and references.
1. Recession

**Kon's Korner: Ten Tips to a Better Life**

**How to Survive a Recession**

**Well, EvilFuzzy9 here. For those of you expecting an update to 'An Immodest Puppet's Proposal', I'm sorry to say that it may take a little bit longer, partly because I'll be on vacation in a few weeks, but also because I'm still having trouble getting the file for the next chapter. **

**On the bright side, however, I am now posting my first _Bleach_ fanfic. I hope you all enjoy it!**

**Disclaimer: This is a work of non-serious fanfiction, anything in this fic resembling good advice is purely coincidental, and is not good advice. **

* * *

Hello everyone, this is Kon! You might know me as the hyper-masculine babe-magnet from _Bleach_, or maybe as the suave and oh-so-intelligent host of that radio special from the manga, the name of which escapes me at the moment. But now I have my own advice column on ff dot net, and for this episode, I will be covering how best to survive the global recession.

On with the show!

**1. Get a cute mascot.**

This one is simple. Every successful business has a mascot, so if you get your own mascot, then you too will be successful!

**2. Boobs, boobs, and more boobs.**

Never underestimate the power of a nice set of sweater-kittens!

Heh heh... Boobies.

**3. Kill yourself.**

If you find yourself drowning in debt, just kill yourself! That way, you'll just have to deal with soul-eating monsters, predjudiced death gods, and a broken afterlife system where you might end up spending the rest of eternity running from rabid dogs and violent criminals simply because you died at a bad time. Of course, I'm assuming that all of you who are reading this column are pathetic, unloved geeks.

(Soul Society Tour-Guide Rukia Kuchiki: Don't listen to a word that flea-bitten rag says! Soul Society has many wonderful destinations and an excellent system capable of processing a thousand souls a minute. And the SWA loves all of you pathetic geeks.)

**4. Prostitution**

Giving out hand-jobs for money is a great way to make a little cash on the side.

**5. Reviewing this fic.**

Heh, the author is so desperate for reviews, he's willing to pay people for 'em!

(Chief Editor of Awesomeness, EvilFuzzy9: He's a filthy liar. I could never afford to pay people to review.)

**6. Reading his Other Fics, and Reviewing Them.**

Like I said, he's desperate!

(Super-Cool Master Chief Editor of Sexy Awesomeness, EvilFuzzy9: No I'm not. ... But please review regardless.)

**7. Cake.**

Everyone likes cake!

**8. Kidnapping.**

It worked in the Great Depression.

**9. Duct Tape.**

It's great for gagging and binding wealthy hostages after you kidnap them.

(Assistant Editor Mizuiru: We here at Kon's Korner do not condone kidnapping.)

(Co-Assistant-Editor Keigo: Mizuiru? When did you start working here?)

(Assistant Editor Mizuiru: About a month ago.)

(Co-Assistant Editor Keigo: Oh, okay.)

(Super Freaking Awesome Chief Editor, EvilFuzzy9: Stop using editor's notes to chat, you guys!)

(Assistant Editors Mizuiru and Keigo: Okay.)

**10. Buy plenty of **_**Bleach **_**merchandise.**

Buy manga, video games, t-shirts, etc. Manga characters need to eat too.

(Head of Employee Relations, Mayuri: Kon, we need to have a 'talk' about the lousy advice you're giving people. And by 'talk', I mean strap you to an operating table and find out how you work.)

* * *

**Well, let me know what you think. **

**TTFN!**


	2. Love

**Kon's Korner: Ten Tips to a Better Life**

**How to Find True Love**

* * *

Greetings, unwashed masses! It is I, Kon, with another edition of 'Kon's Korner'! Now I will cover how to find true love.

_Disclaimer: My tips might be able to help you find true love, but you still won't get anal._

**1-Dress Well.**

Girls, be sure to wear low-cut blouses and short mini-skirts that show off your goods! Guys... Uhh... I dunno, wear muscle shirts or something.

(Chief Editor EvilFuzzy9: ... I have no argument with that, except for the questionable morality of telling girls to dress like whores and guys to dress like muscle-bound jackasses.)

**2-Be funny.**

Girls love funny men.

(Co-Author Isshin: I can attest to that. My dear Masaki practically threw herself at me when I showed her my incredible wit!)

(Vizard Correspondent, Ichigo: Um... ew, Dad. That's just gross. And why in Hell am _I _the Vizard correspondent?)

(Assistant to the Chief Editor, Hiyori Sarugaki: Because I convinced Fuzzy-kun that _my _talents were better applied elsewhere... -Smirks-)

(Vizard Correspondent, Ichigo: Oh, God! I think I'm gonna puke. I mean, are you implying that you have actually slept with that hairy bastard?)

(Assistant to the Chief Editor, Hiyori Sarugaki: No, you dumbass. I'm his fitness instructor.)

(Chief Editor EvilFuzzy9: Besides, Ichigo, what she does off the clock is her own business. :3)

**3-Put out.**

And guys love girls who do the horizontal tango!

(Fourth Division Captain, Retsu Unohana: Ladies, don't listen to him. Your significant other will be happy that you saved yourself.)

**4-Show off.**

Guys, the ladies love to see you show off your muscles! And ladies, show off your goods!

(Co-Author Isshin: He's right! Go out and show them your youthful moves, men!)

(Konoha Correspondent, Gai: _Yosh_! The young ladies will be enamored with your youthful displays, and will surrender their youthful blossoms to your dynamic entry! _YOSH_!)

**5-Be a rebel.**

Flouting authority and disrespecting your parents is certain to attract attention from the opposite sex.

(Yumichika: I find that comment to be base and disrespectful.)

(Ikkaku: Whaddya mean?)

(Yumichika: He implied that only people of the opposite gender would find a rebel attractive, and I think that that is discrimination against homosexuals, lesbians, bisexuals, asexuals, transsexuals, and crossdressers.)

(Ikkaku: Geeze, since when do you care?)

(Yumichika: I don't care, actually. I just felt like saying something – beautifully, of course.)

(Chief Editor EvilFuzzy9: Okay, seriously. This is obvious abuse of editor's notes. I allowed the others to say things, because at least had some kind of authority, but you two don't even work here!)

(xXxsmexyespadagirl90210xXx: hey big b0is... wnn2 have sum fin? -gigles-)

(Chief Editor EvilFuzzy9:... _Ai ai ai! Santos Dios, es el diablo!_)

(Kenpachi: Hah! I got you good. ... And since when are you Spanish?_ Are you a friggin' Mexican or somethin'?_)

(Chief Editor, EvilFuzzy9: Eeek! Nononono! I'm not a latino of any sort! I just felt like brushing up on my Spanish.)

(Kenpachi: Fine... ya weirdo.)

**6-Communication.**

Let them know what you like to do in bed and what fetishes are. If that doesn't scare him/her off, then he/she is a keeper. Take the Chief Editor, for instance. He is a non-furry voraephiliac.

(Chief Editor EvilFuzzy9: He's a damned liar! Don't listen to a word he says!)

(Chief Secretary Rangiku: Well, that _would_ explain those weird sites I found on the company computer...)

(Chief Editor EvilFuzzy9: That's it, you're fired, Matsumoto! Shiro-chan, you are now the Chief Secretary.)

(Tenth Division Lieutenant, Matsumoto: Woohoo, I'm free!)

(Chief Secretary Shiro-chan: ... I hate all of you.)

**7-Lying.**

Any experienced couple can tell you that telling the truth is a poison that kills new relationships faster than other. If your significant other asks you something, lie your ass off! Lie about your age, your wait, anything! Just don't tell the truth!

(Assistant Editor Mizuiru: Isn't this tip essentially the exact opposite of your previous tip, Kon?)

(Co-Assistant Editor Keigo: Yeah! And I know for a fact that this one doesn't work. I lie to girls all the time, but they _never_ go out with me!)

(Assistant Editor Mizuiru: Geeze, Keigo, no wonder you've never been on a date.)

(Co-Assistant Editor Keigo: Why you - **(This editor's note/excerpt from editor's note has been deleted for the following reason(s): Especially offensive language, aspersions on the character of a coworker, and just generally pissing us the f'ck off. - Censors Tayuya and Hidan)** – bologna humper!)

(Political Correspondent Yachiru: Wow! Those are some super-neato words! Maybe Ken-chan can tell me what they mean... I want candy. Can I be paid in candy?)

(Paymaster Omaeda: Sure.)

(Company Assassin Soi Fon: Omaeda? Why the Hell are you the paymaster?)

(Paymaster Omaeda: Because I'm the only person in this newspaper who has any real experience with money.)

**8-Bribery.**

Gaudy jewelery and expensive gifts are the real way to a lover's heart.

(Romantic Consultant Shunsui: I see nothing wrong with this.)

(Accountant Nanao: And that, Sir, is why you fail.)

(Romantic Consultant Shunsui: Aww... Why so mean, Nanao-chan?)

(Accountant Nanao: With all due respect, captain, _screw you_.)

(Romantic Consultant Shunsui: ;3 Why, of course, Nanao-chan! -Kiss-)

(Accountant Nanao: -Smack-)

**9-Persistence**

Keep on trucking! If they take out a restraining order on you, just find a way around it! Eventually they will give up and accept your amourous advances.

(Soul Society Tour-Guide Rukia: As dubious as that tip is, I'm actually glad that Kon has gone the whole list without mentioning-)

**10-Melons!**

Boobs solve everything, but they are especially applicable in the field of romance. Boobs, boobs, boobs!

(Soul Society Tour-Guide Rukia: ... Damnit, I should have seen one that coming.)

(Local Crazy Lady, Chizuru: For once, I agree with Kon wholeheartedly!)

(Chief Editor EvilFuzzy9: -Sigh- You people are impossible.)

* * *

**Well, I have to admit that it looks like the real humor in this story is coming from the editors' notes, and the reactions and interactions of the people "working" at the fictional newspaper this fic is set in. **

**Also, I didn't originally mean to include Tayuya and Hidan as the Censors, but I had already introduced Gai as the Konoha Correspondent, and I couldn't think of any characters in _Bleach_ who were really known for swearing, so I picked the two characters from _Naruto _who were known for that. But I had to physically restrain myself from including Kakuzu as the Paymaster and Sokka (from _Avatar_) as the Romantic Consultant. And I practically killed myself with laughter at the thought of Yachiru as a Political Correspondent. Just imagine what those reports would be like - **_"And then fat old guy yelled at the skinny old guy, and the old black lady said something about potatoes, and thentheponiesfromhelleruptedfromtheearthandconsumedthesoulsofthenonbelievers! Yay!" _**- only _funnier._**

**And Kenpachi weirding everyone out like that was priceless; I can imagine him doing stuff like that if he can't fight. Plus, Yumichika isn't gay, he's just secure enough in his masculinity to indulge in effeminate vanity. Really, the entire Eleventh Division is perfect for crack humor like this.**

**TTFN!**


	3. Health

**Kon's Korner: Ten Tips to a Better Life**

**Kon's Guide to Health (And Fitness)**

* * *

Hello again, ignorant peons. This time I, the Great and Sexy Lord Kon will be telling you how to take care of your bodies! Especially _you_, ladies.

**1 – Beef Jerky**

Beef jerky is the manliest food anywhere. Therefore, eating nothing but beef jerky will surely power up your immune system!

(Co-Assistant-Editor Keigo: I approve of this tip!)

(Ikkaku: What the skinny guy said. -Belch- There's nothing better to end a day of fighting and boozing than a plate heaped with dried and salted meat.)

(Scary Lady Mizuho Asano: -Giggle- I would love to end my day with a taste of _your _salted meat, if you know what I mean, hon~ey! -Heart-)

(Co-Assistant-Editor Keigo: … Eeew! Mental images!)

**2 – Stay Indoors**

Sunlight gives people sunburns, and I'm certain that you geeks would turn to stone at the touch of the sun.

(PR Monkey Hanatarō: Don't listen to him – sunlight is an excellent source of Vitamin D, and not all nerds are trolls.)

(Fourth Division Lieutenant Isane: Good joy, Mr. Yamada.)

(PR Monkey Hanatarō: Th-th-thank you, Miss. -Is bashful-)

(Fourth Division Lieutenant Isane: Aww, so squeet! -Huggles Hanatarō-)

**3 – Buy Organic**

Eat only organic food! … That's what our sponsors say, at least.

(Head of Research, Professor Urahara: Actually, studies show that naturally grown produce is no better for you than the alternative. Not to mention the increased risk of fecal contamination...)

(Head of Employee Relations, Mayuri: What in the name of science…? Why does that bastard get to be called professor?-!)

(Head of Research, Professor Urahara: Because I'm awesome.)

(Head of Employee Relations, Mayuri: Damn you, Urahara!)

**4 – Avoid Germs**

It worked for the bubble boy, so it should work for you too!

(Head of Research, Professor Urahara: This is neither possible nor advisable, as not being exposed to germs actually _weakens_ the immune system.)

**5 – Crash Diet**

The easiest way to lose weight is to not eat!

(Chief Editor EvilFuzzy9: Good God, there's so much wrong with that statement that I don't know where to _begin_ correcting it…)

(Culinary Expert Inoue Orihime: How about this? The human body's is designed to survive, and one of the most common dangers in the wilderness is starvation. Thus, the human body is designed to be as fuel efficient as possible, storing fat for times when one must go without food, such as famine. If the body goes a certain length of time without food, storage of energy will be put on high priority by the brain. When you eat something after going without food, a higher percentage of the energy from what you eat will be stored in fat cells on the body's natural assumption that it might be a long time before the next meal. Basically, when you crash diet, anything you eat is converted straight into fat. Not to mention the fact that, to a certain extent, under-eating is overall more detrimental to your health than overeating.)

(Chief Editor EvilFuzzy9: That sounds about right, thanks!)

(Culinary Expert Inoue Orihime: Thank you, sir. Would you like to try some of my homemade bubblegum and sauerkraut gumbo?)

.

.

.

(Culinary Expert Inoue Orihime: Um… sir? Hello? Are you there?)

**6 – Eat Meat**

Muscles are made of protein. Meat is full of protein. If you want a good way to bulk up fast, eat tons of meat.

(PR Monkey Hanatarō: This is less than sound advice. While protein _can _be used to build muscles, it is usually only used for this when one is already doing muscle-building exercises. Otherwise it is converted into fat, with ureic acid as a byproduct. This acid, in large amounts, can cause severe damage to the kidneys.)

**7 – Sex**

If you're looking to burn a bunch of calories, making the beast with two backs is a great way to do so. And it's fun!

(Vizard Correspondent Ichigo Kurosaki: … I'm not sure what to say. _Technically_, what he's saying is sound, but I hate the idea of conceding a point to Kon.)

**8 – Masturbate**

Masturbating is good for you, or something. Just go do it.

(Vizard Correspondent Ichigo Kurosaki: -Sigh- … This is really annoying. What Kon's saying here isn't necessarily wrong,_ per se_, but he's clearly just doing this to be a pervert…)

**9 – Fondle Girls' Breasts**

Every girl wishes she could have big boobs! Help them out by giving 'em breast massages!

(Vizard Correspondent Ichigo Kurosaki: Okay, I am _positive_ that this is a load of crap.)

(Head of Research, Professor Urahara: … Actually…)

(Vizard Correspondent Ichigo Kurosaki: Oh no… _please_, don't tell me…)

(Head of Research, Professor Urahara: -Nervous chuckle- Yeah, there are actually scientific studies supporting this... ^.^U)

(Vizard Correspondent Ichigo Kurosaki: … GOD-**(Censored)**-**(Censored)**IT! KON, YOU **(Censored)**-SUCKING SON OF A **(Censored)** FARMER! YOU **(Censored)** **(Censored) ****(Censored)** **(Censored)** SON OF A **(Censored)**! I **(Censored)** HATE YOU AND EVERYTHING THAT YOU AND YOUR SYPHILITIC **(Censored)**-LICKING **(Censored)**-FACE STAND FOR, YOU GOD**(Censored)** **(Censored)**-SUCKING MOTHER-**(Censored)** SON OF A **(Censored)**-SUCKING MOTHER-**(Censored)** SONUVA**(Censored)** **(Censored)**! I HOPE YOU **(Censored)** DIE AND ROT IN **(Censored)** **(Censored)**!)

(Chief Editor EvilFuzzy9: … oh my… Why hasn't this been censored? Are we not ostensibly a family-friendly publication, Kon's lecherous tangents notwithstanding?)

(Assistant to the Chief Editor, Hiyori Sarugaki: -Whistle- Wow~ee… Who knew **(Censored)**head had such a colorful vocabulary? I gotta say, I'm sorta impressed…)

(Chief Editor EvilFuzzy9: _Ahem_.)

(Assistant to the Chief Editor, Hiyori Sarugaki: … but I have to agree with the editor. Where _are_ the censors?)

(Censor Tayuya: THERE. I fixed it. Are you happy now, you **(Censored) **nags?)

**10 – Buy Our Snake Oil!**

I, your extremely sexy and awesome idol, have recently found myself sitting on a large quantity of One Hundred Percent All-Natural Snake Oil, courtesy of I. T. Sahoax and U. R. Gullible. I have to admit, they sound legit.

(Ikkaku: … oh …)

(Yumichika: … my …)

(Kenpachi: … god…)

(Head of Employee Relations, Mayuri Kurotsuchi: … I simply must know… Is he really that stupid, or is it just an act…?)

(Head of Laboratory Protocol, Nemu Kurotsuchi: Shall I fetch the scalpel and the operating table, father?)

(Head of Employee Relations, Mayuri Kurotsuchi: Of course, you empty-headed bimbo! And do it quickly, or else I'll be forced to break out the thumbscrews!)

(Head of Laboratory Protocol, Nemu Kurotsuchi: Then I shall be certain to take my time. -Heart-)

(Chief Editor EvilFuzzy9: … … … … … … … … … that is just SICK AND WRONG! I'd need a swimming pool filled to the brim with brain bleach to forget this…)

(Political Correspondent Yachiru Kusajishi: … I dun geddit. What's the big deal? Do you know, Kenny?)

(Kenpachi: I'll explain it when you're older.)

* * *

**A/N: For those of you interested, I can e-mail have an uncensored version of Ichigo's rant, if for no other reason than to prove it exists. **


End file.
